From preschool all the way up to the 2^nd grade, I attended a private school called Montessori School.  This school promoted free thinking, individualism, freedom of choice, blah blah blah, it was basically a hippie school with a tuition.  

This school had its ups and downs, depending on your viewpoint.  We never had any homework (which led to failed state mandatory standard exams), we could pick whatever we wanted to do in school (I weaved with colorful yarn and stuffed handmade pillows all day), we called our teachers by first name (which resulted in offending my 3^rd grade public school teachers by habit), and oh how could I forget, we had sex education in 1^st  grade.

For sex education, they would split us up into grade levels; 1st, 2^nd, and 3^rd.  My teacher showed all us 1st graders a "special book” in which there were images of naked people.  

  you don't even know how disturbing this is...

At one point of “show and tell,” my teacher pointed to an artists rendition of a naked chubby little girl, and said “this is what all you girls look like right now.”  Then she flipped the page, pointed to an artists rendition of an obviously mature naked woman, and said “this is what you girls will look like when you grow up.” 

I remember thinking in my 5 year old head “Aw seriously?  How am I supposed to run after boys during recess if I have THOSE things weighing me down?” 

Then, my teacher showed us a (artists rendition) picture of a man and a woman both laying (naked) in the grass looking up at the night sky, in which a group of stars were arranged to form the image of a baby.  I kid you not, after that presentation,  I thought that babies came from the sky.

Of course, all forms of sex education need follow up from the parents.  So, Montessori school sent each student home with a brown-manila-envelope-paper-bag-thing containing (no, not porn, but close!) a Where Do Babies Come From picture book!  

To be honest, I didn’t actually read nor understand the book, but I still felt as though I had unlocked the biggest secret in the world.  I remember going to the grocery store with my mom and telling everyone “I know where YOU came from.”  But, I didn’t actually know, so I would just laugh hysterically and then run away.

During spring break of that same year, my best friend Tanya invited me to go along with her family to her beach house.  I excitedly accepted her invitation because, well duh, she’s my best friend!  But this was the first time in my whole life to be away from my parents for more than a week, so naturally, I was a bit nervous. 

Her family was extremely nice; it was just her grandmother, her older brother Michael, and Tanya.  

At first, we played on the beach.  But then we got bored of the beach and spent the rest of the days watching Pokémon.  

On the fifth day, Michael (who was 8 years old) decided that he had enough of Pokemon.  This quickly escalated into a fight between brother and sister, and they decided to settle the argument by making me choose sides. 

I was not very fond of Pokemon either, so I agreed with Michael that we should watch something else.  To make a long story short, Tanya got angry at both of us and locked us both out on the balcony. 

At first, we thought she would come back to get us.  But as the 15 minute mark passed, then the 30 minute mark, I got scared.  (I don’t know how I remember the following so clearly…but…) With nothing to do, Michael and I started to talk. 

Suddenly out of nowhere, Michael says “Let’s have sex.” 

Okay, this guy definitely read that Where Do Babies Come From book...

Noreen: What?

Michael: Let’s have sex!

Noreen: Um…okay…

~silence~

Michael: Well?  Are we doing this or not?

Noreen: Uhm…wait...what exactly IS sex….?

Thank goodness at that moment Tanya’s grandmother awoke from her afternoon nap and found us two locked out on the balcony. 

Who knows what might have happened???

Kids these days, pshh.